So I stare at love straight in the face.
The love I crave and write endless words about. The love that comes from fairy tales and storybooks. The prince to sweep you off your feet and carry you away on a horse carriage kind of love. The love that scares the living shit right out of you. That kind of love.
I stare at it. Blankly. I know the feeling of vulnerability; of warmth; of pure fulfillment of emotion. The sort of feeling you always dream to have. But this time, my biggest fear is not the love... it is the dream.
See in love it can so easily make us blind. All you see are the bright lights and all you feel are those crazy warm fuzzies inside. You forget the time, where you're going and sometimes even who you are. It all just goes blank because somehow in love... it doesn't seem to matter anymore. And it is that which scares me most.
The dream is not the dream of love; but the dream of dreams I plan to conquer. How do my dreams fit into love? When you begin a journey with someone, it becomes a path of two- but who's way do you decide to take? See, I'm stubborn. I've got some big dreams to live out. I've got a heart of love waiting to pour. I've got many grounds to walk along. I thought I was ready for love; I feel I am ready for love. However, I am not ready to give up my dreams- they are the only thing I've always had. I am a person to dream big; to do big things. Love should simply accompany that; not get in the way of it.
Yet, here I am, hesitating...again. I feel like I lied to myself, thinking I was ready to open my heart with someone. I can feel that wall is slowly creeping up again. I thought for sure I was ready this time. In this hesitation, I know I am ready, but I cannot let myself change, because I know how easily that can happen... how easily we lose ourselves to love and I am not willing to lose myself to anything; even that love I crave.
I suppose in any situation it is fear that creates a challenge for us. If we didn't fear, we would never think first; or feel an accomplishment when we overcome a fear that attempts to stop us from doing something. So in this love that I crave and incredibly fear; I need to know my dreams will be safe. It has never seemed more important than it does right now. They have never felt so threatened.
Funny how this person is the one to have said, "you need to protect your dreams" ...maybe that's why I love him.
written April 11, 2008 1:02 am
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