settling for love

It's the end of the day; nearly the end of the night. I'm too tired to do anymore work; yet not quite tired enough to go to sleep. The only show I seem to sit down and watch is the episode after episode of Friends that I have fallen in love with. I finished my collection of the sitcom at Christmas and I watched each DVD from the beginning to the end, each and every episode until I reached the last one. I've been done for a few weeks now. I miss friends.

I'm not in the mood to sit and allow the television to pollute my brain anymore than it already is. It's that perfect time of night to put on a flick and cuddle with someone.

I play my guitar instead.

When the ex-boyfriend asks to hangout, it seems like a good idea to be friends. But I'm smart enough to know that I tried that. My best friend tells me you can't be friends with your ex's. I'm friends with all of mine, but this last one is a little different. She might be right about this one. A part of me loves the companionship; loves the mere idea of company at the end of the night. But is the love of company worth the settling down with someone you know you should stay clear from... even though he is the only one asking you to hang out- to chat, to laugh, to dance, to watch a flick... to cuddle. It seems harmless.
Things aren't always what they seem.

I suppose it's not him that I am really debating; in fact, I know it's not him I am debating. That has been over for years, and although debated over those years, it's quite evidently over. A nice guy, I can settle with saying- but not for me, to put gently. I do miss companionship and chats and laughs... dances and movies... and I definitely miss the cuddles. My stuffed monkey, George, well, he just doesn't cut it.

We're all looking for someone to love. As much as we want to deny that or claim we don't need someone... it is in our human nature to love, to touch, to feel... to hold. I found true love; a love of life. I surround myself with friends I am most definitely close to and whom I smother with my hugs and kisses. But I miss having that person to wake up next to, to get lost in their eyes and go for long walks; walks more enjoyed when it's raining. To kiss anywhere and everywhere. To fall into intimacy, while falling into love. To see every part of; to touch every part; to reveal every part of myself; to be so vulnerable. To feel so scared and so safe simultaneously. Oh how I miss being in love.

I debate if love is so beautiful you should allow yourself to always be in love. To fall for anyone willing to fall for you. I love being in love. However, I think what makes being in love with someone is not the being in love... it's the someone. I struggled growing up- stopping myself from falling in love with anyone willing to fall in love with me. I knew it was special and I was eager to experience it... but I really don't think it's worth the settle... is it? To settle just to love?

Tonight, I lay in bed. I cuddle close to George and I close my eyes. It feels like tonight I could settle... but instead I fall asleep- alone. Surprisingly, however, I don't feel lonely.


written april 1 2008 12::06- april 2.