Saturday, February 2, 2008

on figuring out how to let go...

Some days I'd like to think I have it all figured out.
Other days I realize I have absolutely no idea.

I'm surrounded by people who have a plan. Friends are graduating. They have applied for teacher's college or a masters program to continue their education. Plans range from getting married to travelling or looking forward to a job lined up. In fact, some have already begun their career, making money I can't comprehend.

I sit back and I look at each individual and smile. I listen to their stories and their plans, I see them growing more and more into the person they are meant to be; choosing paths that are so right for them. I am happy to witness and I am so proud.

As I watch the people around me continuing into the next stages in their lives, I sit back and realize I am an observer. What's next for me? I can't look beyond next week, let alone come up with something for my future. I was always asked what I wanted to be when I grow up... but I never actually thought the time to grow up would ever exist.

I am a dreamer.
I desire big things and my romantic mantality believes they will exist. But how does a dreamer live in the real world? A world that needs a plan; an answer; a pay cheque? How can I let go of all the constraints and allow my body to flow in the everyday motions and not just in my head of dreams. How does a care-free attitude become the actions of someone who cares somewhat too much? If I could float in my every step and become untouchable to the pressure and force to be a certain way and make a certain decision; I may conquer the dreams into my reality. How is it so easily lost? As though my entire life has had such extreme importance on something so magical and suddenly a time comes and it means nothing but a dream?

It makes my soul shed tears.

The thought to ever let go of them... I just don't think it exists to me. Is this what happens when people grow up? They fall into "the next step" and lose sight of what they really want? Or am I the only one struggling- to be one way or to be the person I am meant to be. Different. Devine.

Oh how a fork has more than one spoke- it's not just a decision between two. This is my life and I get to choose how to live it. Everyone around me is worried about what I am going to do next and I seemed to be the only one without a fret. Suddenly, I'm questioning and wondering and worrying what is it I am meant to do? Where did my tranquility disappear to?

My decisions should be made based on what can I do that brings the most enjoyment to me and allows me to be the most powerful and empowering I can be. When am I most happy and most challenged? Why am I afraid of it? What do I need to let go of that keeps me tight and constrained?

I need to let it go.

Allow me to be free; to be open; to be true. May I be led by my heart and my soul to do the things I am meant to do. Oh how education in a book is important, but the learning to acquire in the world is not captured with words. May I be taught in ways writers can never have the language to describe. May I soak in the world and simutaneously hold the world in my hands. Allow me to follow my heart, for once in my life, I must allow myself to be vulnerable, safe and free. I will be surrounded by love as I accomplish the desires I love to dream into my life.
And I will choose to love life.

written February 2 2008 3:40am my time. my life.

1 comment:

Lauren Valentine said...

Bravo Baby -- you inspire my soul. And it IS possible, it so is!!! I've graduated a little under a year ago and have managed to live on a lake for the summer, get a full time job with a small doc company that I love, then cut back to part time so I can nurture and follow my other dreams.

If you can dream it you can do it. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Can't wait to read about your next steps.

Love Lauren