On Disappointment

You've been running a racket on yourself. Growing up people would set you up for disappointment... and you hated it.

Then it became about you.
Do it yourself. You can do it on your own; you don't need anyone. Don't trust them. Don’t let them in. Don’t get hurt.

I've been running a racket on myself. It has always been about me.

Growing up people would set me up for disappointment... and I made that okay. But it's not okay. I hated it.

Then it became about me.
I'll do it myself. I can do it on my own; I don't need anyone. I don't need you. I don’t trust you. I don’t let you in. I don’t get hurt. I won’t get hurt. I built it in. I stacked it over and over and over until it became who I am.

I became the disappointment.

And here I am, sitting in a room... by myself... wanting to make a difference; wanting to help people and put others first. But no. It's about me. And it has always, always been about me. As much as I say and strive for it to be about others, it’s not.

I’ve carried it. I’ve piled it on and I made that okay… and it’s not. It’s not okay at all. I want to help a group of kids in a room, whom I have fallen in love with.
I can’t do that when it’s about me.

I have no problem taking responsibility but I take everyone’s responsibility and I disappoint myself when I don’t follow through with what I say. My integrity has always been so important to me. My integrity is important to me. When I say I’m going to do something and I don’t, I disappoint myself.
I disappoint myself a lot.

When I say I’m going to do something and I don’t, I disappoint other people I care about...
and they make that okay.

But at the end of the day, a few may notice I’m missing, but it is me who carries it. It is written all over my world. I disappoint the ones I care about most.

Kellie. Mya. My Grandparents. My cousins. Ex-boyfriends. My Dad. My Mom. Jamie. Tess. Lauren. David.
Everyone.

And I’ve been carrying it all this time.

Here I am.
In a room; by myself.
Crying. Alone.
Independent.
Doing it on my own…
for the people I care most about.

Good work, Pers.

The impact it has on me I think is clear. I’m alone. I’m upset. I have become unreliable. People worry about me. People create stories of what they think might be the case and it’s not. Yet, I don’t let them think or let them know anything different. I have become someone great–
when I’m there.
But I haven’t always been there.

I’ve pulled myself away. I let people only get so close to me. I don’t share my life with people. I don’t share my life with the people I care most about. They know nothing about me and there is so much to know. They have seen glimpses and they love it. And then I pull away.

Because it’s about me.

It’s about the fact I don’t want to disappoint people because I have been disappointed. I’ve been really disappointed and I hate it. I never want to be a disappointment for others. I’ve set my world up to avoid disappointment by not relying on people; but instead I’ve become a disappointment by not being there for the ones that I love.
And that’s shit.

It’s shit to know I became exactly what I try to avoid most. I promised myself I would never work in a job I didn’t love and I spent the past year working at a job that’s just a job to get money.

That is what happened. That is what I did. That is who I made myself to be and now, well now, I’m fucking over it.

And I can say that and I can really say that and know that it is true.

It took a Landmark Forum, an advance course, and an assisting position for a group of teenagers I love, to truly break down and see what it’s all about. And it is; it’s about me. It’s about letting go of all this bullshit disappointment because that’s not who I am.
That’s not who I am at all.

I am the possibility of inspiration and positive impact. I am reliable. I am truly loving. I am passionate. And fuck… I am so excited about it!

I am making a difference one person at a time and at the end of the day
I am changing the world.

And… I got that.

landmark forum for teens, saturday nov 3... the AM