On Love

If love was a disease, what would be the cure?

Why are people so afraid of love? To think people seek their entire lives for the love of their life, but really, life is love! That's what it's all about. To be fully loving and to love and to be in love! It's just the most fulfilling feeling! We should simply embrace it!

You know, I used to be afraid of it too. I was too scared to fall in love because I didn't want to get hurt. I had my heart broken for the first time when I was 6 years old. The first man to ask me to marry him moved away from me. Far away. My parents never kept their contact and I spent years trying to discover his existence out there. I did finally. Thirteen years later, thanks to facebook. Who knew?

He will always be my first love and ever since then, I only broke hearts.

My heart was truly broken by a boy when I was thirteen years old. My "dawson" neighbor I grew up with since I was four had been my secret crush and one of my best friends. Somehow, somewhere, we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend. How cute. We were together for a month, maybe two? Who knows how much time when time continues on? The point is he was my boyfriend, the one. The one I didn't see the end with- I pictured us growing old together, looking back and laughing at how we used to fight each other, and how I'd always beat him up. I thought it was so cute we finally "grew up and matured" and decided to go out. I daydreamed about the next time I saw him. And when we were together, the words and events whirled in my mind but never quite played out how I expected. I stressed over his birthday present and his Christmas present- the bastard had both in December. It was a stressful period of my life.

Then the day came. The day I got a phone call from him and ran to the basement to have a cute chat, where no one could hear. The day he said he had been thinking.... uh oh- he doesn't usually think. The day he said he thought it was better if we just be friends. The day I said I understood and agreed actually. The day I hung up the phone and threw it across the room. The day I bawled my eyes out in sobs. And of course, the day I decided I will never get my heart broken again, because it's....
it's the shits.

I dated most of my guy friends. I fell in love with two of them. I had crushes on boys and boys had crushes on me. But I never let any of them break my heart, simply because I did it before they could do it to me. If I couldn't see us together forever, then there was no point to give them my all. No point to let them in or to give away my heart fully.

I broke their hearts, and without letting them know, I broke my own heart each and every time. I loved them. I think I still do.

I went to university. I got drunk. Lots. I met boys. Lots. I teased them like it was a talent. I'm an independent girl. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend. "I stay away from those."

But then I got drunk. And the next day I woke up in a relationship. I called him my random gone wrong. Very wrong. I fell in love again. But, of course, this time it was for real. He got closer than any of the others had managed to get. He was sincere and loyal. He'd give me the world if he could, in fact he gave me his world. I was his world. But I was an independent girl, and independent girls don't do relationships. I tried to break it off countless times. He wouldn't let me. We had to talk about it and by the end of it, we had talked through it.

He'd get drunk and he'd get mad over something stupid. Then I would get mad. We'd fight. We'd make up. And we'd make up. It would be good and then he would drink and he'd get mad over something stupid. Then I would get mad. We'd fight. We'd make up. And it seemed to become a routine and it seemed to be getting harder to make up. But it didn't matter because your heart takes care of all the decisions in the relationship and everything is okay.

Then he gets drunk and he gets persuaded by a manipulating girl. And they kiss. And it's over. And my heart breaks like nothing before.

Words are just words and circles just keep going round. And suddenly I realize, those "something stupids" he'd get mad over were things I had control over. And as much as we talked through breaking up, we only talked around it. The relationship wasn't about a kiss. It was everything that led up to it and everything that followed. I loved him and I hated him; then I hated that I loved him. And I hated love.

I sat in my lonely apartment. I tickled strings to my guitar I pretended to know how to play. I got a cat. I cried and fuck I struggled.
I thought about love.
I wondered to myself if life was about that single person to give your entire self to and your entire heart to. I wondered if life was about falling in love and getting hurt. The whole, "it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all," played over and over and over in my head like a bad Britany Spears song.

I felt as lonely as lonely could be. I felt sad as sad could be. This isn't me! I break the hearts! I fall, but I get up quickly! How come I'm not getting up? How come I don't like these other boys in my life? He was nice. He was cute. But nice and cute are only ugly, but acceptable.

I'm an independent girl who so desperately needs companionship. So I embraced the lonely and I embraced the sad. I will feel as lonely as lonely can feel. I will feel as sad as sad can be. But I will pull out of it by myself and I will be independent again, after all, a relationship should consist of two wholes that make one- not a whole and a half; not a half and a half. Two full wholes. It was time to become a whole.

I created my world and everyone else was just living in it. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I stitched my heart back together and was proud to know I could sew. I stood tall and I brushed myself off. I had fun and suddenly I wasn't lonely or sad anymore. I was happy and free and I finally made my decision on love.

Life is love. It is to be fully loving and to love and to be in love! To give and to love! To hold and to love! To laugh and to love! To love! To be loving.

When the time comes to be in love with him, I will embrace it, because it is just the most fulfilling feeling! I will give away my heart and I will know he will care for it.

And if he doesn't... I know I can sew.

10 02 2007 347pm - my time