on being closed

I am a closed book hidden on the shelf. I am up high, among the other books so easy to reach and to open. It takes an extra climb; an extra step of effort to reach me. I'm pretty dusty in fact, as it's been so long I've rested. I've stayed closed for years, untouched and unexposed. I have so much wisdom to share; so many stories you'd love to hear. However, I stay on the top shelf, closed for those seeking for truth, for hope, for answers. I may carry what you need, but we'll never know for sure, as I stay on the top shelf, too difficult to climb to and left to only observe below. I was written with care, looked over and over again to make sure my words are of perfection. I first began as a simple idea- a domino of idea after idea after idea. So many thoughts organised to words and placed between hard covers. And now I remain, between books that are between books. I wonder if anyone will take the time or the effort to reach this high, to discover who I am. I wonder if I'll open up and have the opportunity to share my knowledge, my wisdom, my creativity. I am a unique book; I'm just waiting to be opened.

How I crave your eyes, and attention; your choice to soak me in.

written december 26 1:57am

On How to Deal...

I would like to think that dealing with it later really means it will go away and I just won't have to deal with it at all.

I would like to think it will just go away and I can live in a bubble that simply floats among the sunny rays, gently grazed with a brush of air; to change way and to flow into another direction away from the one before.

How we kid ourselves.

How we wish to be a kid. To be protected from words of harm; from harsh news; from unpleasant people. To play. We all play in that mind; we are that child that never grows up but only hides in a body that ages- a body we desperately depend on to carry us through.

I would like to think we could all just be that kid we know hides inside rather than pretend to be responsible and mature; pretend to be strong and powerful. Instead we just become adults whom children look up to and think we have it all figured out.
And we pretend we do.

When do we lose the honesty of a child; the truth that we really do not know; we really are scared and we really do not want to deal or know how to deal with the issues of our lives?
Why can we not figure it out?
What are we so scared of?
Why do we not just deal with it?
Why can we not just admit we do not know how and admit-
hey, I need you.

written December 24th 2007 2:17am

I'm going to tap my drum off beat because you told me I shouldn't
I'm going to sing my song out of key because you told me I couldn't
I'm going to let my body dance free because I knew you wouldn't

All this time I thought I should, but didn't think I could

I'm going to tickle these strings and teach myself how to play
I'm going tap my drum whatever feeling of way
I'll sing my song out of key, just because I can
I'll dance with you, when you join in
When you join in

I'm going to tap my drum off beat because you told me I shouldn't
I'm going to sing my song out of key because you told me I couldn't
I'm going to let my body dance free because I knew you wouldn't
I knew you wouldn't

So tap your foot to my drum and sing along
We've all got a beat that can't go wrong
Come and dance with me
Let me sing my song
We can't go wrong
We can't go wrong

I'm going to tap my drum off beat because you told me I shouldn't
I'm going to sing my song out of key because you told me I couldn't
I'm going to let my body dance free because I knew you wouldn't

Come and dance with me
Let me sing my song
We can't go wrong

on being content

contentment
to feel, to live
to cry and to be angry
to have emotion
to let be
to be
to smile with tears
look to a blue sky
soak in a hot sun
oh to be
to love and to cherish
contentment
to live

on realization

Straight up, I fucked up; I hurt too many people.
I've closed off and I've shut out and never considered an impact.
I broke hearts and tossed love like it had no connection.
What have I done?

I've met you; I liked you- thought this could be it.
You've touched me and pulled back and put up a front
Turned your back as I've held on- in hopes I could change it
In hope there is none.

Now I see the game I've played; the game you've played with me
I can't determine when I'm real and when I have been true
Who am I- and where do I pretend to be?
I can't see the line.

I've been a heartbreaker and decided that was okay
Somehow I justified cutting love short; to control it and protect me
How selfish and untrue
And somehow... that was fine.

written nov 13, approx midnight

On Disappointment

You've been running a racket on yourself. Growing up people would set you up for disappointment... and you hated it.

Then it became about you.
Do it yourself. You can do it on your own; you don't need anyone. Don't trust them. Don’t let them in. Don’t get hurt.

I've been running a racket on myself. It has always been about me.

Growing up people would set me up for disappointment... and I made that okay. But it's not okay. I hated it.

Then it became about me.
I'll do it myself. I can do it on my own; I don't need anyone. I don't need you. I don’t trust you. I don’t let you in. I don’t get hurt. I won’t get hurt. I built it in. I stacked it over and over and over until it became who I am.

I became the disappointment.

And here I am, sitting in a room... by myself... wanting to make a difference; wanting to help people and put others first. But no. It's about me. And it has always, always been about me. As much as I say and strive for it to be about others, it’s not.

I’ve carried it. I’ve piled it on and I made that okay… and it’s not. It’s not okay at all. I want to help a group of kids in a room, whom I have fallen in love with.
I can’t do that when it’s about me.

I have no problem taking responsibility but I take everyone’s responsibility and I disappoint myself when I don’t follow through with what I say. My integrity has always been so important to me. My integrity is important to me. When I say I’m going to do something and I don’t, I disappoint myself.
I disappoint myself a lot.

When I say I’m going to do something and I don’t, I disappoint other people I care about...
and they make that okay.

But at the end of the day, a few may notice I’m missing, but it is me who carries it. It is written all over my world. I disappoint the ones I care about most.

Kellie. Mya. My Grandparents. My cousins. Ex-boyfriends. My Dad. My Mom. Jamie. Tess. Lauren. David.
Everyone.

And I’ve been carrying it all this time.

Here I am.
In a room; by myself.
Crying. Alone.
Independent.
Doing it on my own…
for the people I care most about.

Good work, Pers.

The impact it has on me I think is clear. I’m alone. I’m upset. I have become unreliable. People worry about me. People create stories of what they think might be the case and it’s not. Yet, I don’t let them think or let them know anything different. I have become someone great–
when I’m there.
But I haven’t always been there.

I’ve pulled myself away. I let people only get so close to me. I don’t share my life with people. I don’t share my life with the people I care most about. They know nothing about me and there is so much to know. They have seen glimpses and they love it. And then I pull away.

Because it’s about me.

It’s about the fact I don’t want to disappoint people because I have been disappointed. I’ve been really disappointed and I hate it. I never want to be a disappointment for others. I’ve set my world up to avoid disappointment by not relying on people; but instead I’ve become a disappointment by not being there for the ones that I love.
And that’s shit.

It’s shit to know I became exactly what I try to avoid most. I promised myself I would never work in a job I didn’t love and I spent the past year working at a job that’s just a job to get money.

That is what happened. That is what I did. That is who I made myself to be and now, well now, I’m fucking over it.

And I can say that and I can really say that and know that it is true.

It took a Landmark Forum, an advance course, and an assisting position for a group of teenagers I love, to truly break down and see what it’s all about. And it is; it’s about me. It’s about letting go of all this bullshit disappointment because that’s not who I am.
That’s not who I am at all.

I am the possibility of inspiration and positive impact. I am reliable. I am truly loving. I am passionate. And fuck… I am so excited about it!

I am making a difference one person at a time and at the end of the day
I am changing the world.

And… I got that.

landmark forum for teens, saturday nov 3... the AM

on people in and out

We've travelled far with all these bags
Lugged them from end to end
We'll need a meal, a place to stay
And perhaps even a friend

We took a leap into the dark
Unsure what was to come
Just another face within
A drop straight to bottom

It was our choice no matter what
To do what we've set to do
It's been hard, it's been long
Yet, exciting all the new

We've settled and made our home
Our jobs brought in the coin
We've made some friends along the way
And kept each other going

Our time here was fully lived
But soon there comes an end
Memories will fill my book
Keep in touch I recommend

From here to there and anywhere
We'll always stay in touch
Keep me posted on your life
And know I love you much

For life we walk our paths
And many we will meet
To enjoy a chat and move along
Living life elite

Some are only for the moment
And others stay for long
No matter the situation
It'll never be at wrong

For we love the people in our lives
We cherish times with them
But there's somewhere else to go
Someone new to welcome in

So skip along and enjoy the ride
It has only just begun
Friendships can last a lifetime
No need for only one

You've made a print forever now
In my heart you'll always be
We'll explore the world around us
Each other we'll soon see

Love you now and always lots
You've made my life today
Forever I'll remember
As we continue on our way

ox

"just another random on the path of life."

written 2:30am 24-10-07 my time

on this moment

lost with nothing to say
wishing i wasn't far away
thinking it's all just unfair
can't show how much I care

nothing but a satalite
nowhere there in sight
just gone too far
floating among the stars

you're left to cry
and we all question why
couldn't it be some other way?
why gone today?

its all just a shock
a stumble in our walk
please say it's not true
we're waiting for you

it's time to be strong
a battle too long
may you grow into wings
and allow your heart to sing

...forever

18102007 244am

on life being too short

I have developed an obsession with writing. It has always been there, but before it was a release and now it is a necessity. Why is it the things we love the most become second, third and fourth in our lives? To think ideas flash through my mind constantly of things that need to be put to paper- to be put into a blog... yet school, work, social events slide into main priority. Time is so desperately needed to stand back and simply be...
alone.

To be lost in thought, to storm through emotion and to deal with issues hiding beneath it all. Issues that run through my mind, but stay clear of my tongue.

To think life can come crashing down in every direction but with one step I can stand above it all, look to the sun and smile. So far from sadness, but feeling so sad. So far from love, but feeling so loving- so in love with something or someone I can't seem to distinguish. Oh how a simple hug would pour tears for hours. A simple joke would create laughter for hours. A simple day to myself would be filled with hours, so nourishing. Hours of minutes filled with seconds passing by days and watching months go. When will I control time?

My watched died. And so did my cousin. She will be forever 19 years old. Diagnosed with cancer last year, a major scare we thought was taken care of when it was her mother that could provide the liver transplant. Such a long go with too many close calls. She was able to pull together again. She was able to be a teenager; have a boyfriend; go shopping; hang out with her friends; develop stronger relationships; get to know her family; and appreciate life for a bit.
And all in too little time.

It came back. The cancer. The disease looking for a friend. She was too good to let be and it wanted her attention. It got all of our attention. Why can't everyone just die in their sleep at old age? Is that just too simple?

I remember when I was 19. It wasn't too long ago, but it was a year I will never forget. Living on my own at university, I left Bright's Grove for the first time, ready to take on the world. Oh how I wanted to return to my bubble when I realised people actually had real issues out there. I drank away the work load and I drank away the dramas. I drank away the people abused, raped and suicidal. I drank away the aggressive boys and I drank my way into a relationship. I drank through a breakup and into a depression. I drank through loneliness and I just simply drank. I thought I knew it all, but I was so naive. I thought I had things all figured out, but really, I had no idea.

Two years from 19 and now I know I've got it all figured out. I really don't know anything. In fact, the more I think I know, the more I realise I simply have no idea.

I wonder if Nadia had it figured out.

I don't think she had the chance.

What does it take for us to realise life is too short? Do we discover it at the moment we see the light, have the opportunity to look back and see our life, and then turn back to walk towards the bright tunnel?
Do we recognise then that life is too short?

Do we finally get that spending that extra two minutes on the phone really doesn't matter to the 1,440 minutes in the day? Do we finally see that hearing the response to our question 'how are you?' really does have an impact on someone? Do we ever realise work is just part of life, it's not life? Do we ever understand the concept that life is too short for fighting, for holding grudges, or choosing to not talk to someone we actually love and care for? Do we ever make the things we love to do our priority, simply because it makes us happy?

Or do we just continue our lives, re-stating the fact that life is too short, but punish ourselves for stupid things- and worse, punish those we love? Will we always hate the job we go to? Always say we'll take a holiday next year? Will we keep making promises to do it tomorrow, and allow tomorrow to become yesterday?

Will we reach 19, thinking we've got it all figured out; living a life with dreams and goals and desires and wishes and an entire future to create... and will we die too?

Did we already die at 19?

We shouldn't have to. She shouldn't have had to.

But the strong girl...
she had no choice.


Written 18 October, 3:20am, my time

to dance

come and dance with me
we'll swing away
out of this hole
this rock called world
we'll sing and we'll fly
we'll live the good life
let's jump and play
hold on to being kids
everyday.

we'll spin till we fall
laugh till our belly aches
tears of joy we'll wipe
away from our face
lets sing, lets play
lets be kids forever
run away with me

are you there?
are you ready?
I don't want to cry
I don't want to stay
I don't want to leave
let's just play
and get lost in our mind
everyday

clap your hands
feel the rhythm
tap your foot
let your body sway
hold onto peace
and give it away
live like a kid
forever and ever

come and dance with me
honey, honey.
dance it all away

on home

One thing I noticed about growing up in a small town is the people in it have big dreams. People usually appreciate their roots, yet they want to move onto bigger and “better” things. People always have somewhere else they would rather be and something else they would rather do. Unfortunately, most people are likely not to truly appreciate their home until they have left it and have had a chance to look back.

I like to think of Bright’s Grove as a hidden gem– surrounded by a freshwater lake and tucked between small towns- a unique secret, different from any place in the rest of the world. I live on one corner of the town and my best friend lives on the opposite corner; it takes eight minutes to bike there! Growing up in Bright’s Grove, I realized my greatest possession was a bike. We biked to school, we biked to each other’s houses, we biked to the plaza and sometimes we just biked around aimlessly. A bike ride through Bright’s Grove must be one of the most peaceful, calming experiences that will always balance my mind and soul in a way no other activity could.

I’d always be the last one to meet everyone; I liked to cruise my way there. The large trees on my street would tower over the road and although I loved the cave they created over the street, I always avoided the shade to ride in the sun. I’d seize any opportunity to soak in the sun in an attempt to compete for the darkest tan of the summer. After a cold winter, hibernating inside and seeing the daily reflection of pasty skin, we were happy to have any shade of colour.

I would reach the Crown House at the end of my street and know to turn. Although the dead end sign in front of the steps leading to the beach would also indicate the turn, the house was a significant and royal landmark. Looking to the top of the roof, a gold railing circled a golden dome, making the house appear to be wearing a crown. After a turn right, I continued my cruise along the beach. I’d look down at the waves rolling smooth into the sandy shore, providing a ripple splash, humming the ease of serenity through the air. The hot sun beamed down, roasting my skin as the perfect breeze cooled it, just enough to still feel the heat. The Weeping Willow trees didn’t seem so sad, swaying back and forth in a game with the wind. The road was free of bumps and provided a smooth ride on its freshly paved cement. A couple of kids would run through the water, yelping for unwanted help as they splashed each other in the waves. Eventually they were both under water and instantly adapted to the refreshing chill.

I’d cycle in the center, taking full ownership of the road, weaving from one side to the other to provide a simple source of entertainment for myself. I might have encountered a passerby or two; likely a runner on a daily exercise or a mother pushing a stroller. Every pedestrian was usually a familiar face and even if he or she wasn’t, we would still greet each other. In a small town everyone seems to know everyone and an underlying, genuine respect for each other simply exists.

I would arrive without wondering how much time had passed. I could see my friends already in the water, their towels laid out in a perfect row beside each other. I would ride my bike to the edge of the road, keeping my left foot on the pedal and raising my right over to join it. I would come to a slow halt and drop my bike to the ground– no need to lock it up. I’d skip down the decaying, wooden stairs, questioning if they’d hold me up all the way to the end- they did. My sandals were off before I hit the sand and I picked them up to carry. I would quickly tip-toe to the water’s edge and make my way down the shore to meet the towels lined in a row. I’d walk up the hot sand, pull my towel from over my shoulder and use the wind to help me lay it down smoothly. I would grab the bottom of my shirt with my arms crossed and pull it over my head to reveal my newest bathing suit. I’d toss it on my towel, drop my shorts down and take a sprint towards the water. It would sting as I splashed through and dropped underneath, but I’d immediately cool and the sweat I once tasted on my upper lip would blend into the water. I’d look over to my friends and smile. Every care was washed away somewhere in the lake and I knew I was home.

written april 2007- adjusting to the not being in bg

May you take a step into the unknown
A leap of faith guided by soul
A mind that races
Questions left unanswered;
Wondering about the world.
Creative ideas left unfinished-
A to-do list incomplete;
Cry with no tears, but smile.
Emotion left hidden inside.
To release and confront life
Face to face with every fear-
There is no step back.
But stand still for as long as you will
Allow yourself to grow
To be creative and express it
Stay strong and independent
Take a step into the unknown
Accomplish and conquer
To look back and see where you’ve been
And see how much you’ve grown.

Posted OCT 5 2007- 1233; written april 2007

what was once the unfamiliar...

on cancer

Cancer.
A population control disease without a cure. Millions and millions of dollars collected every day by people who have been affected in some way go towards supporting the research and discovery of a treatment that can cure those suffering. Years of research, of experiments, of reading, of writing, of studying....

Yet no cure. Please.

My five year old cousin. My friend's mom. My dad's best friend. My great uncle. My teenage male cousin. My 18 year old female cousin. My best friend's mom. My ex-boyfriend's mom. Grandmothers. Grandfathers. Cousins. Brothers. Mothers. Friends. Sisters. Uncles. Fathers. Aunts. Co-workers. Pets.

Very few of that list survived.
And I how I thank God for the miracle that they did.

But where is the cure? When the words "she/he has cancer" are mentioned again, it's as though the words are meaningless. They barely exist. But-but- they don't smoke. They eat healthy. They take care of their body. But-but- he's five! But she has her whole life ahead of her. What about her kids?

It doesn't matter to cancer. When it decides to join your life, there's no inviting or closing a door. It's there. It's just as lonely as any of us- looking for companionship; desperately making friends with your organs, in hope to make as many as possible to become popular and accepted- to be pretty and attractive. But no one wants it. It's a horror when cancer decides to visit. It's like the crazy family member that always ruins the big family events. The one that ruined Christmas last year.

The bad news is shared again. It sounds just the same as the last time. There is no pretty way to say cancer. It's the same in every accent. It's understood without an explanation. It exists and even though millions of dollars and attention is spent to rid of it, it'll never really go away. It's seeking a friend to accept it; yet we all are quick to turn it away.
Can you blame us?

To accept it is to understand what it is. What it can do. Yet, if we accept it, it won't try as hard. The more it feels unwanted, the more it feels the need to take over. To get your attention and your friendship. It wants to be accepted and works like no brick layer has ever worked to get it.
Accept it. It's there.

However, that doesn't mean it has to stay. I accept the visit and now be on your way. I've got people to meet; places to see; things to do. And you... well, you've got people's lives to change.

Cancer. The disease with no cure. Love. The disease we wish existed.

10 03 2007 11:10 am -my time

On Love

If love was a disease, what would be the cure?

Why are people so afraid of love? To think people seek their entire lives for the love of their life, but really, life is love! That's what it's all about. To be fully loving and to love and to be in love! It's just the most fulfilling feeling! We should simply embrace it!

You know, I used to be afraid of it too. I was too scared to fall in love because I didn't want to get hurt. I had my heart broken for the first time when I was 6 years old. The first man to ask me to marry him moved away from me. Far away. My parents never kept their contact and I spent years trying to discover his existence out there. I did finally. Thirteen years later, thanks to facebook. Who knew?

He will always be my first love and ever since then, I only broke hearts.

My heart was truly broken by a boy when I was thirteen years old. My "dawson" neighbor I grew up with since I was four had been my secret crush and one of my best friends. Somehow, somewhere, we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend. How cute. We were together for a month, maybe two? Who knows how much time when time continues on? The point is he was my boyfriend, the one. The one I didn't see the end with- I pictured us growing old together, looking back and laughing at how we used to fight each other, and how I'd always beat him up. I thought it was so cute we finally "grew up and matured" and decided to go out. I daydreamed about the next time I saw him. And when we were together, the words and events whirled in my mind but never quite played out how I expected. I stressed over his birthday present and his Christmas present- the bastard had both in December. It was a stressful period of my life.

Then the day came. The day I got a phone call from him and ran to the basement to have a cute chat, where no one could hear. The day he said he had been thinking.... uh oh- he doesn't usually think. The day he said he thought it was better if we just be friends. The day I said I understood and agreed actually. The day I hung up the phone and threw it across the room. The day I bawled my eyes out in sobs. And of course, the day I decided I will never get my heart broken again, because it's....
it's the shits.

I dated most of my guy friends. I fell in love with two of them. I had crushes on boys and boys had crushes on me. But I never let any of them break my heart, simply because I did it before they could do it to me. If I couldn't see us together forever, then there was no point to give them my all. No point to let them in or to give away my heart fully.

I broke their hearts, and without letting them know, I broke my own heart each and every time. I loved them. I think I still do.

I went to university. I got drunk. Lots. I met boys. Lots. I teased them like it was a talent. I'm an independent girl. I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend. "I stay away from those."

But then I got drunk. And the next day I woke up in a relationship. I called him my random gone wrong. Very wrong. I fell in love again. But, of course, this time it was for real. He got closer than any of the others had managed to get. He was sincere and loyal. He'd give me the world if he could, in fact he gave me his world. I was his world. But I was an independent girl, and independent girls don't do relationships. I tried to break it off countless times. He wouldn't let me. We had to talk about it and by the end of it, we had talked through it.

He'd get drunk and he'd get mad over something stupid. Then I would get mad. We'd fight. We'd make up. And we'd make up. It would be good and then he would drink and he'd get mad over something stupid. Then I would get mad. We'd fight. We'd make up. And it seemed to become a routine and it seemed to be getting harder to make up. But it didn't matter because your heart takes care of all the decisions in the relationship and everything is okay.

Then he gets drunk and he gets persuaded by a manipulating girl. And they kiss. And it's over. And my heart breaks like nothing before.

Words are just words and circles just keep going round. And suddenly I realize, those "something stupids" he'd get mad over were things I had control over. And as much as we talked through breaking up, we only talked around it. The relationship wasn't about a kiss. It was everything that led up to it and everything that followed. I loved him and I hated him; then I hated that I loved him. And I hated love.

I sat in my lonely apartment. I tickled strings to my guitar I pretended to know how to play. I got a cat. I cried and fuck I struggled.
I thought about love.
I wondered to myself if life was about that single person to give your entire self to and your entire heart to. I wondered if life was about falling in love and getting hurt. The whole, "it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all," played over and over and over in my head like a bad Britany Spears song.

I felt as lonely as lonely could be. I felt sad as sad could be. This isn't me! I break the hearts! I fall, but I get up quickly! How come I'm not getting up? How come I don't like these other boys in my life? He was nice. He was cute. But nice and cute are only ugly, but acceptable.

I'm an independent girl who so desperately needs companionship. So I embraced the lonely and I embraced the sad. I will feel as lonely as lonely can feel. I will feel as sad as sad can be. But I will pull out of it by myself and I will be independent again, after all, a relationship should consist of two wholes that make one- not a whole and a half; not a half and a half. Two full wholes. It was time to become a whole.

I created my world and everyone else was just living in it. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I stitched my heart back together and was proud to know I could sew. I stood tall and I brushed myself off. I had fun and suddenly I wasn't lonely or sad anymore. I was happy and free and I finally made my decision on love.

Life is love. It is to be fully loving and to love and to be in love! To give and to love! To hold and to love! To laugh and to love! To love! To be loving.

When the time comes to be in love with him, I will embrace it, because it is just the most fulfilling feeling! I will give away my heart and I will know he will care for it.

And if he doesn't... I know I can sew.

10 02 2007 347pm - my time

the beginning of the middle

Welcome!
It's a first for both of us! With all the crazy internet gadgets, I have decided to begin a blog.
I turned 21 on Saturday and I thought I'd begin a capture of the life from now till when. We'll see what we can create. Hmm... 21.

I like it.

Age as with time just don't really seem to exist. Really, we've just created it to develop an understanding from one day to the next. Has it helped you? I think the more we try to understand and even the more we do understand... the more we realize, we really just don't understand. Once you get to that point and then to the next of simply accepting it, life becomes simple.
At least for the moment.

I want to write a book. Maybe I'll call it blog and take it from here. I write as if someone will read it, but the truth is, the person I write for...
is unknown.

10 02 2007, 12:38 pm- my time