I'm going to tap my drum off beat because you told me I shouldn't
I'm going to sing my song out of key because you told me I couldn't
I'm going to let my body dance free because I knew you wouldn't

All this time I thought I should, but didn't think I could

I'm going to tickle these strings and teach myself how to play
I'm going tap my drum whatever feeling of way
I'll sing my song out of key, just because I can
I'll dance with you, when you join in
When you join in

I'm going to tap my drum off beat because you told me I shouldn't
I'm going to sing my song out of key because you told me I couldn't
I'm going to let my body dance free because I knew you wouldn't
I knew you wouldn't

So tap your foot to my drum and sing along
We've all got a beat that can't go wrong
Come and dance with me
Let me sing my song
We can't go wrong
We can't go wrong

I'm going to tap my drum off beat because you told me I shouldn't
I'm going to sing my song out of key because you told me I couldn't
I'm going to let my body dance free because I knew you wouldn't

Come and dance with me
Let me sing my song
We can't go wrong

on being content

contentment
to feel, to live
to cry and to be angry
to have emotion
to let be
to be
to smile with tears
look to a blue sky
soak in a hot sun
oh to be
to love and to cherish
contentment
to live

on realization

Straight up, I fucked up; I hurt too many people.
I've closed off and I've shut out and never considered an impact.
I broke hearts and tossed love like it had no connection.
What have I done?

I've met you; I liked you- thought this could be it.
You've touched me and pulled back and put up a front
Turned your back as I've held on- in hopes I could change it
In hope there is none.

Now I see the game I've played; the game you've played with me
I can't determine when I'm real and when I have been true
Who am I- and where do I pretend to be?
I can't see the line.

I've been a heartbreaker and decided that was okay
Somehow I justified cutting love short; to control it and protect me
How selfish and untrue
And somehow... that was fine.

written nov 13, approx midnight

On Disappointment

You've been running a racket on yourself. Growing up people would set you up for disappointment... and you hated it.

Then it became about you.
Do it yourself. You can do it on your own; you don't need anyone. Don't trust them. Don’t let them in. Don’t get hurt.

I've been running a racket on myself. It has always been about me.

Growing up people would set me up for disappointment... and I made that okay. But it's not okay. I hated it.

Then it became about me.
I'll do it myself. I can do it on my own; I don't need anyone. I don't need you. I don’t trust you. I don’t let you in. I don’t get hurt. I won’t get hurt. I built it in. I stacked it over and over and over until it became who I am.

I became the disappointment.

And here I am, sitting in a room... by myself... wanting to make a difference; wanting to help people and put others first. But no. It's about me. And it has always, always been about me. As much as I say and strive for it to be about others, it’s not.

I’ve carried it. I’ve piled it on and I made that okay… and it’s not. It’s not okay at all. I want to help a group of kids in a room, whom I have fallen in love with.
I can’t do that when it’s about me.

I have no problem taking responsibility but I take everyone’s responsibility and I disappoint myself when I don’t follow through with what I say. My integrity has always been so important to me. My integrity is important to me. When I say I’m going to do something and I don’t, I disappoint myself.
I disappoint myself a lot.

When I say I’m going to do something and I don’t, I disappoint other people I care about...
and they make that okay.

But at the end of the day, a few may notice I’m missing, but it is me who carries it. It is written all over my world. I disappoint the ones I care about most.

Kellie. Mya. My Grandparents. My cousins. Ex-boyfriends. My Dad. My Mom. Jamie. Tess. Lauren. David.
Everyone.

And I’ve been carrying it all this time.

Here I am.
In a room; by myself.
Crying. Alone.
Independent.
Doing it on my own…
for the people I care most about.

Good work, Pers.

The impact it has on me I think is clear. I’m alone. I’m upset. I have become unreliable. People worry about me. People create stories of what they think might be the case and it’s not. Yet, I don’t let them think or let them know anything different. I have become someone great–
when I’m there.
But I haven’t always been there.

I’ve pulled myself away. I let people only get so close to me. I don’t share my life with people. I don’t share my life with the people I care most about. They know nothing about me and there is so much to know. They have seen glimpses and they love it. And then I pull away.

Because it’s about me.

It’s about the fact I don’t want to disappoint people because I have been disappointed. I’ve been really disappointed and I hate it. I never want to be a disappointment for others. I’ve set my world up to avoid disappointment by not relying on people; but instead I’ve become a disappointment by not being there for the ones that I love.
And that’s shit.

It’s shit to know I became exactly what I try to avoid most. I promised myself I would never work in a job I didn’t love and I spent the past year working at a job that’s just a job to get money.

That is what happened. That is what I did. That is who I made myself to be and now, well now, I’m fucking over it.

And I can say that and I can really say that and know that it is true.

It took a Landmark Forum, an advance course, and an assisting position for a group of teenagers I love, to truly break down and see what it’s all about. And it is; it’s about me. It’s about letting go of all this bullshit disappointment because that’s not who I am.
That’s not who I am at all.

I am the possibility of inspiration and positive impact. I am reliable. I am truly loving. I am passionate. And fuck… I am so excited about it!

I am making a difference one person at a time and at the end of the day
I am changing the world.

And… I got that.

landmark forum for teens, saturday nov 3... the AM

on people in and out

We've travelled far with all these bags
Lugged them from end to end
We'll need a meal, a place to stay
And perhaps even a friend

We took a leap into the dark
Unsure what was to come
Just another face within
A drop straight to bottom

It was our choice no matter what
To do what we've set to do
It's been hard, it's been long
Yet, exciting all the new

We've settled and made our home
Our jobs brought in the coin
We've made some friends along the way
And kept each other going

Our time here was fully lived
But soon there comes an end
Memories will fill my book
Keep in touch I recommend

From here to there and anywhere
We'll always stay in touch
Keep me posted on your life
And know I love you much

For life we walk our paths
And many we will meet
To enjoy a chat and move along
Living life elite

Some are only for the moment
And others stay for long
No matter the situation
It'll never be at wrong

For we love the people in our lives
We cherish times with them
But there's somewhere else to go
Someone new to welcome in

So skip along and enjoy the ride
It has only just begun
Friendships can last a lifetime
No need for only one

You've made a print forever now
In my heart you'll always be
We'll explore the world around us
Each other we'll soon see

Love you now and always lots
You've made my life today
Forever I'll remember
As we continue on our way

ox

"just another random on the path of life."

written 2:30am 24-10-07 my time

on this moment

lost with nothing to say
wishing i wasn't far away
thinking it's all just unfair
can't show how much I care

nothing but a satalite
nowhere there in sight
just gone too far
floating among the stars

you're left to cry
and we all question why
couldn't it be some other way?
why gone today?

its all just a shock
a stumble in our walk
please say it's not true
we're waiting for you

it's time to be strong
a battle too long
may you grow into wings
and allow your heart to sing

...forever

18102007 244am

on life being too short

I have developed an obsession with writing. It has always been there, but before it was a release and now it is a necessity. Why is it the things we love the most become second, third and fourth in our lives? To think ideas flash through my mind constantly of things that need to be put to paper- to be put into a blog... yet school, work, social events slide into main priority. Time is so desperately needed to stand back and simply be...
alone.

To be lost in thought, to storm through emotion and to deal with issues hiding beneath it all. Issues that run through my mind, but stay clear of my tongue.

To think life can come crashing down in every direction but with one step I can stand above it all, look to the sun and smile. So far from sadness, but feeling so sad. So far from love, but feeling so loving- so in love with something or someone I can't seem to distinguish. Oh how a simple hug would pour tears for hours. A simple joke would create laughter for hours. A simple day to myself would be filled with hours, so nourishing. Hours of minutes filled with seconds passing by days and watching months go. When will I control time?

My watched died. And so did my cousin. She will be forever 19 years old. Diagnosed with cancer last year, a major scare we thought was taken care of when it was her mother that could provide the liver transplant. Such a long go with too many close calls. She was able to pull together again. She was able to be a teenager; have a boyfriend; go shopping; hang out with her friends; develop stronger relationships; get to know her family; and appreciate life for a bit.
And all in too little time.

It came back. The cancer. The disease looking for a friend. She was too good to let be and it wanted her attention. It got all of our attention. Why can't everyone just die in their sleep at old age? Is that just too simple?

I remember when I was 19. It wasn't too long ago, but it was a year I will never forget. Living on my own at university, I left Bright's Grove for the first time, ready to take on the world. Oh how I wanted to return to my bubble when I realised people actually had real issues out there. I drank away the work load and I drank away the dramas. I drank away the people abused, raped and suicidal. I drank away the aggressive boys and I drank my way into a relationship. I drank through a breakup and into a depression. I drank through loneliness and I just simply drank. I thought I knew it all, but I was so naive. I thought I had things all figured out, but really, I had no idea.

Two years from 19 and now I know I've got it all figured out. I really don't know anything. In fact, the more I think I know, the more I realise I simply have no idea.

I wonder if Nadia had it figured out.

I don't think she had the chance.

What does it take for us to realise life is too short? Do we discover it at the moment we see the light, have the opportunity to look back and see our life, and then turn back to walk towards the bright tunnel?
Do we recognise then that life is too short?

Do we finally get that spending that extra two minutes on the phone really doesn't matter to the 1,440 minutes in the day? Do we finally see that hearing the response to our question 'how are you?' really does have an impact on someone? Do we ever realise work is just part of life, it's not life? Do we ever understand the concept that life is too short for fighting, for holding grudges, or choosing to not talk to someone we actually love and care for? Do we ever make the things we love to do our priority, simply because it makes us happy?

Or do we just continue our lives, re-stating the fact that life is too short, but punish ourselves for stupid things- and worse, punish those we love? Will we always hate the job we go to? Always say we'll take a holiday next year? Will we keep making promises to do it tomorrow, and allow tomorrow to become yesterday?

Will we reach 19, thinking we've got it all figured out; living a life with dreams and goals and desires and wishes and an entire future to create... and will we die too?

Did we already die at 19?

We shouldn't have to. She shouldn't have had to.

But the strong girl...
she had no choice.


Written 18 October, 3:20am, my time